The Sisterhood
It is a real privilege to be invited to write this blog as I have had the opportunity to reflect. We are all so busy that it is rare to do so, and I have enjoyed the indulgence; smiling as I think back to my infant children (they are now very adult!). My recollection is of lots of laughing; by them, and by me. And yet those years when they were babies, toddlers, and then right through to teenagers were nothing less than chaotic most of the time. I never did feel that I gave them enough time or attention, and I had no time for myself.
However, I hope that by reflecting and sharing, I can reassure all mothers who are doing their best to juggle busy working lives with mothering, that it is not quantity of time that your children need. It is knowing that they are loved and secure, sharing the journey with you. And laughing as much as you can.
My children were born in 1991, and 1993. There was no entitlement to maternity leave or maternity pay. I was a young lawyer, not fully qualified, working in a small high street firm. It was a complete nuisance that I needed time off to have a baby, and it was assumed I would return to work as soon as I physically could. This was within 3 months of each of my children being born. I returned to work 3 days a week and received child- care help from my mother, and my friends. My group of working mothers was my lifeline – in fact, we were to each other. We all worked part time so that we could help each other out on the days we were not working. We were all married (to start off with!), and it did not occur to anyone that any of the fathers would help. The outcome was that when I was not at work, in the school holidays, I usually had additional children in the house.
I was also studying, and by the time my daughter was 3 years old, I was a qualified solicitor which was a huge relief as my pay increased. I also divorced and then my ex-husband died, which meant that I then had no other parent even in the evenings, or weekends. But once again, the sisterhood and my community saved me, and with good humour most of the time.
I recall being exhausted not some of the time, but all of the time. I recall having moments of sheer panic such as when my son had chicken pox and I was scared to let my boss, or my clients know because I felt inadequate as a mother and as a professional. I felt constantly judged for doing neither role well enough. I dreaded one of the children waking up unwell, or school inset days. And yet, in those days, fathers had started to take time out of their working day to go to school plays or sports days, and they were congratulated for being hands on. It was galling.
I am so pleased that times have changed, but they have not changed enough. There is still judgment of mothers who return to work soon, who do not breast feed and who are not the perfect image of a mother. This is particularly sad when this is by other women (a la Madeleine Albright[1]). This is one area where we must work to change the narrative.
I do not regret returning to work quickly after my children were born, and I do not think that they suffered despite me not nursing them full time for their first year. Naturally they noticed that I was not as available to them as mothers who did not work, but I am hugely proud of the independent, self sufficient, hard working, and kind people they have become. I hope that in part this was due to the team we were when they were growing up; Sunday evenings we ironed our school uniform and office clothes, did our homework or work prep, and got ourselves organised together for the week ahead. Weekday mornings were a strict regime because everyone had to get out early (beds were not made, house was not perfect), and weekends were shared time together that we all appreciated. Our bond was, and remains, strong.
I do not suggest that my way is the way forward. Times are quite rightly better than they were, in terms of parental leave, pay and rights. A big reason why I was able to return to work was due to the unpaid child care support I received from other women (my mother, my friends). This generation of mothers is unlikely to have this so available as more grandmothers now have careers of their own. This is why it is crucial to fix the cost of child care issue. Children are resilient and adaptable, and they thrive in stimulating environments outside of the home.
But whilst we work on improving things, I hope that I can encourage working mothers not to be too hard on themselves, and not to worry too much that by not being everything to their children they are not being the best mothers. And remember the proverb: “It takes a village”.[2]
[1] https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/14328-there-is-a-special-place-in-hell-for-women-who
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_takes_a_village