The Extended Holiday (aka maternity leave)
“Enjoy your extended holiday” said one male colleague before I left for maternity leave. Admittedly it was intended as a joke but we all know there is a sentiment of truth in it. The reality is that people do think maternity leave is some sort of extended holiday. If I’m being honest, I think I thought that too before I went on maternity leave - what is not to love about endless brunch dates, play dates, long walks and time in the park.
But the reality is different. The reality is horrific sleep deprivation, huge responsibility and at times, complete boredom. The monotony of changing nappies, playing with a baby who can’t talk, expressing, sterilising, washing clothes, drying clothes, emptying the dishwasher, preparing food when they start to wean (the list goes on) can really… really… get you down. Yes, there is a play date or two but when you look ahead, the weeks blur into each other and it is very easy to lose your sense of self. I found this particularly acute due to covid 19 and being locked down for 6 months of my maternity leave when meeting one person for a walk outside was the most exciting part of my week.
There were parts of my maternity leave that I enjoyed. Those precious, invaluable moments with your newborn, seeing their first smile, watching how they learn and their interest in absolutely anything and everything. Do not get me wrong, I adore spending time with my daughter. But it doesn’t mean that I adore doing all the hard bits, every day, 365 days a year and without any time for myself. Since coming back to work, I’ve realised that I adore being a mum and I adore my work. And why can’t women have both?
Whilst on maternity leave I had doubts that it was for me. I missed the intellectual challenge and independence that work brings. I missed pushing my career forward. However, I struggled to articulate these doubts as I felt guilty for having these feelings, made worse by everyone’s (at least everyone I knew’s) expectation that you should love maternity leave and savour every moment. I did, and still do, feel incredibly lucky to have had time with my wonderful daughter and I was, and am, acutely aware that not everyone is able to have a child. However, I don’t think it is helpful for women to keep quiet about issues they have encountered whilst on maternity leave – it is not helpful to retain the rhetoric that maternity leave is an extended holiday. Whilst I had heard women say certain parts of maternity leave were hard, like the sleep deprivation, I had never heard another woman say that maternity leave was not for them. As such, I felt alone, isolated and unable to voice these feelings due to guilt that I “should not” be feeling like that. It would have really helped me if someone had just said that “maternity leave is not for everyone”.
When I finally went back to work, I went back full time. Most people were shocked, asking if I was sure that it was the right decision and offering part-time flexibility. I know that this was good-intentioned but I kept thinking, “my husband went back to work full time after 2 weeks, he was never questioned about it and in fact it was assumed”. I understand that women have physical challenges – there is no way I could have gone back to work at 2 weeks as I breastfed my daughter for 9 months and I needed to physically recover from the birth. However, when I was ready to go back to work, I was staggered that everyone seemed to find it surprising that I wanted to push forward with my career, work full time and to be held to the same standard as a man.
In the past, it has not been common for men to take extended paternity leave. Therefore, they have often not experienced what it is like not working for months and being solely responsible for childcare of a small human who can do very little, if anything, for themselves. Thankfully, this does seem to be changing and I am passionate about ensuring that we continue to normalise paternity leave. It is the only way that we are going to put women on a level playing field with men – so that men can also have a break from their careers when having children in the same way as women, and so that men understand that maternity leave is not an extended holiday and comes with its own challenges.
In my view, maternity leave is not all it is cracked up to be and it would be great if more men could experience it. Some women love maternity leave, and that is great, but others don’t and I want to create a forum to hear more about those women that struggle with the career break. Women shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to have a career and a family – if men can, we can.
