Courage in your (lack of) conviction
I had always assumed we would have a nanny for our children as me and my husband both work full time and, pre-COVID, had limited flexibility in terms of office hours. Despite being someone who loves to research every option in detail, make a spreadsheet for comparison, and ask the advice of everyone I know, I seemed to have my head in the sand on childcare. I blindly told anyone who asked that I would find the perfect nanny at the right time (despite having no idea how I would do it). I think in part I didn’t want to face up to the reality as I was worried about the moment I would leave my daughter in someone else’s care.
COVID unsurprisingly made everything more challenging. If we did get a nanny all four of us would be in our (rather small) house together all day. In reality I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to work effectively with my 8-month-old daughter downstairs playing with someone else. A fortuitous conversation with a friend on one of many rainy, lockdown walks really clarified things for me. She and her husband had been through the very same thought process and decided that nursery was an sensible option given the changes brought about by COVID.
Even once I did make the decision to go down the nursery route things didn’t necessarily get easier. I would have flurried panics as messages went around our ‘Bump & Baby’ group about how over-subscribed nurseries are in my area. People would tell me I should have signed my daughter up to the best nursery straight after my first ultrasound! Luckily for me things were slightly less dramatic - it turns out that if you’re looking for a full-time spot five days a week you are rather popular!
COVID also meant that we weren’t allowed to look around nurseries in person which was a challenge for me. In fact, my daughter has now been attending every day for 8 months and I am yet to set a foot inside the threshold. However, we made our choice largely based on the advice of local mums, and also based on proximity to home which my husband, practical as ever, insisted upon.
I found it tough once I was back at work and someone (normally of a different generation!) would ask me if we’d found a nice nanny and I’d tell them my daughter was in nursery. They’d generally look at me aghast and say “NURSERY! I didn’t even know they took children that young”… In that moment every fear, doubt, ounce of guilt I felt about the situation bubbled to the surface and my eyes would fill with tears. I know that people didn’t mean to make me feel bad, but my goodness they managed it.
When I told friends or family about these interactions, they would generally tell me to ignore it and to have conviction that the choice I’d made was the right now. The problem was I didn’t have any conviction! My decision was based on the advice of a few friends, my cost calculations, a bit of research, and the odd mumsnet post. I wasn’t in a position to be 100% confident. That lack of conviction was no doubt exacerbated by sleep deprivation and trying to get back into a job having been away for a few months.
As a result of these challenges I have tried to develop a “just keep going” approach to the whole childcare situation. I have struggled to have full conviction in the whether nursery is the perfect option, or whether I came back to work at the perfect time. But ultimately, I know that I want to work, my job is full-time, this is the best option that I’ve found, and it works for us today. I am also safe in the knowledge that we can change it if we need to in the future. Having gone through it myself and watched a lot of other mothers go through it now too, it goes without saying that each option available has pros and cons. Sadly I don’t think there is any way to know you are doing the perfect thing, just the right thing for your family right now – and that’s good enough.